He finally sat on his throne, looking out over the kingdom he had spent eternity battling to win. It was everything he had hoped for, but would soon become much more. He had plans for this world.
A small voice came from behind a large painting of Elvis with two hands attached to either side of the frame. “Yes, your majesty?”
“Put down the painting… Gently! That’s worth more than the souls of your entire family!”
“Of course, your majesty.” The two hands carefully guided the painting off to the side to rest on the wall, revealing a squat, hunched-over man, looking up at his master from a sideways glance.
“Can we get someone in here to get this throne…” The king fidgeted around and leaned forward. “I need to do something about this tail!” It came free and swung up to smack him in the forehead. “SHIT!”
“Already taken care of, your majesty. We have the finest carpenter of all time coming up on Thursday.” The small man smiled to reveal a mouthful of rotten teeth. He bowed and a kick was delivered to the top of his head, sending him backwards into the wall with a crash.
“You must consult with me before making any decisions!” The new king leaned on his left hip to let his tail get some air. “Where is he?”
Battered, Jerry used the wall to pull himself up. “The carpenter, your majesty?”
The king snarled and smacked himself in the head three times. “YOU! KNOW! WHO!”
Jerry looked around and whispered, “The previous occupant of… this facility?”
The king sighed. “Jerry, I don’t have time for this. I have work to do and I really don’t want to have spend another Tuesday with you in the Discipline Chamber.”
“About that… There doesn’t seem to be an adequate location to house all of your… belongings.” Jerry flinched as soon as he was done speaking. He looked up at this master through squinted eyes. A beautiful man if it weren’t for the horns and tail. Jerry always thought his master’s chiseled features and wavy hair would have made him prime for Hollywood. “God is out back having a cigarette.”
The king slouched back in the throne and scratched at the base of his horn. “He smokes?”
“E-Cig, your majesty.”
The king stood and smacked his tail back down behind him. “That doesn’t count!” He strode out of the throne room and down the hall, out into the back courtyard. “This is hideous!”
“Tell me about it,” a weary voice spoke. “I wanted the gardens redone last century, but apparently all of the plants I asked for are extinct.”
The king looked around, but couldn’t find the source of the voice anywhere.
“Over here, Satan!” the voice called from behind a low wall.
King Satan walked over to see an old man with long white hair stroking his beard with one hand and holding an electronic cigarette in the other.
“Just like the real thing,” God remarked, blowing vapor from his mouth.
Satan took a deep breath and sat on the wall next to God. “Listen… I know we haven’t always been on the best of terms, but I…”
“You need help?” God asked, suddenly appearing next to Satan on the wall. He leaned over examining his former rival’s face.
Satan pulled back. “Well I just don’t… Could you stop that?”
“Sorry.” God shifted back down to the ground.
Satan leaned over with his elbows on his knees, tail draped over the backside of the wall. “It’s just that I have so much I want to do, but I don’t know where to get started. Everyone’s telling me what a good guy you are and I was just wandering if you would help me out a little.”
God started to snicker and choked on the vapor from his artificial cancer stick. Satan patted him on the back. “I told you already, I’m done with this business. I handed it over as-is.”
“SHHH! Don’t say that! We had an agreement.”
“I mean what else could you want to accomplish? Look at them down there scrambling around, thinking up ways to destroy all that I’ve created.” God shifted into the middle of the courtyard with his arms spread open. “All you would provide up here is validation for those who aren’t yet fully committed to corruption. I say let your subjects rule for you. They seem to be doing a fine job.”
Satan sat on the wall and grabbed his tail, twirling it around his forearm. “That’s what you did?”
“Well… I guess. I actually tried in the beginning, but gave up around 90,000 years ago.”
“It was great. Then these humans show up, from where I can only imagine.” God chuckled then took another puff from his E-Cig.
Satan was shocked. “But what about The Bible? What about that Jesus business?”
“Bunch of bullshit they made up.” God flicked his wrist. “Most of the Bible is a load of horseshit. You know me! Would I command someone to kill their own son? I don’t think so.” God took another puff. “They make me sound like some sort of narcissistic asshole.” He jumped around and shot lightning from his fingertips up into the sky. “Look at me! Look what I can do! You all belong to me!”
Satan ducked a bolt and rolled out of the way.
God shifted back behind Satan and put his hands on his shoulders. The cigarette bounced in his lips as he told him, “It’s no secret, my man – they don’t want us. We’re the step parents that scold them for masturbating too much. This is my house, but I don’t belong here anymore. Are you going to take my place? For how long? I watched them grow up. They’re on their own now – nothing left to teach them. Are you going to watch them die? Is that what you want?”
Satan was at a loss for words. All he had strived for was quickly spinning down the drain with no plug in sight.
God shifted back down onto the ground in front of the wall. “Maybe I should have shown you sooner. We might have been able to teach these people and do some good together.”
Satan walked over and pulled his tail around in front of him to sit down by God. “So what now?”
“I’m outta here.”
“Out of here? This is it! What else is there?”
God took one last puff before offering to Satan who couldn’t resist. “There’s much you don’t know.” He looked Satan in the eyes and told him, “I can show you.”
God nodded and smiled. “I will,” he said disappearing, not to appear in the courtyard or behind Satan or up on the wall.
Satan looked around and called out, “Where did you go? Where are you? Show yourself!” Receiving no reply he looked down at the subjects he had wanted to rule for so long. Revolution had scorched the land of Monarchy and Tyranny. No man that could rule himself would submit to a king. No man should. He rested his head on the wall and closed his eyes as he lifted the cigarette to his mouth for a long drag.
Having heard his master’s screaming voice, Jerry raced out to the courtyard as fast as his limp would let him. “Your majesty!” he yelled. Hobbling all around the garden, he could find neither God nor his master. “Are you there, your majesty?” he called out one last time. Still no answer. He returned back to the entrance of the garden and spun to face the hundreds of orchids, lilies, and violets. He squinted and made himself small, snarling his top lip before he whispered, “Screw you, your majesty.” No physical abuse. He popped up into his normal hunched stance, eyes darting all around. His master was gone. Jerry hopped back down the hall into the throne and climbed up into the high seat. He smiled a huge rotten smile. “My, my, my…” He rubbed the arms of the throne and snuggled into the back, examining the craftsmanship. “So beautiful… Mine, mine, mine.”
“Question with boldness even the existence of God; because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason than that of blindfolded fear” – Thomas Jefferson
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